The box kite

In my second year of art school I had to take a 3d Modeling class. For our final project we were tasked with building a kite. We each picked what type of kite we wanted to build. From the start I felt overwhelmed. I went to a hardware store to purchase dowels, tubing, wood glue and string. I used garbage bags which I measured, cut and used to build a box kite. I painted it and the next week the class met at the beach. My kite had to fly in order to get a good grade for that project. Nobody had tested their kites up until this point. I was skeptical and doubtful. Suddenly, was time to fly my kite. One person held the kite as I ran full speed down the beach away from them. I turned and watched as my kite that I had built all on my own started to take flight. I was in disbelief as it soared into the sky. All that hard work paid off and I was so proud. Why had I ever doubted myself? 

It's easier to say "I can't" and never try than to say "I can" and put in the work. If you never try, you won't realize what you're truly capable of achieving. 

I passed the class. 

My Borderline Mother

People will let you down in life. Having your parents let you down is probably the worst of all of them. My father was an alcoholic and a convicted sex offender. He also was a huge racist and at age 16 he told me that if he ever caught me dating outside my race...he would put a bullet though the middle of my forehead. My Borderline mother did not have it in her to be a mother who was there emotionally. I could sit and talk to you about heartache and pain all day long my dear friends. It's the hand that some of us are dealt. It doesn't make me any more of less of a person than those who haven't experienced it. It just makes me a bit more in tune with the feelings of others. 

Foolishly over the years I kept hoping that one day magically my parents would change. That they would be the parents I needed them to be. For my father that change never happened...and he passed away. I never felt safe with either of them. I grew up on edge and walking on eggshells. I would find myself instinctively "tip-toeing" around the house as not to wake my mother. Waking her would mean enduring whatever emotional abuse or anxiety was being served up that day. 

A child needs to be nurtured and feel safe. My needs were not met and I endured emotional and sexual abuse and this has caused my mental illness and trauma related reactions. To this day, I know I can seem needy at times.  It comes from a good place...really. 

My psychiatrist wouldn't like me saying this, but I'm a hard person to love. Borderlines can seem emotionally flat at times. Then like flipping a switch over emotional. What I do know is that I am NOT my mother. I have worked to undo the damage and I'm a survivor. I have made a lot of progress. I will continue to do the work. 

I have spent the last 13 years avoiding and living far away from my mother. Why am I trying to forge a relationship with her now? They say you have to let go of the past, but the past is still very much the present.

In the end all I really want is to be loved. Loved by someone who accepts that I have lived this life and gets me. Someone who is a lighthouse on my dark horizon. 

Facing the future alone.

My mother received some concerning news about her health. She may need risky surgery. I feel that I'm hyper sensitive now about these things due to my father's passing. Maybe before I wouldn't be so worried. 

She's said she is worried about dying and me not having anyone. See, I decided I didn't want to have kids. I mean I am mentally ill and it wouldn't be right to have a child and repeat the vicious cycle (my mother is mentally ill as well, as was my grandmother). I had genetic testing which also revealed I carry genetic mutations for schizophrenia, ADHD, OCD (my grandmother was OCD) and other mental illnesses. How could I live with myself passing that onto a child? Also, I'm estranged from my family. So, that leaves me...alone. 

The reality is I've been alone most of my life. My alcoholic father and mentally ill mother weren't there for me. They didn't nurture or protect me. I took care of myself the best that I could. I didn't even learn the basic things people are taught to take care of themselves and their homes...my exes taught me those things over the years. It's still embarrassing for me to admit that to others. Honestly, my exes taught me more than my parents ever did. Why? Because they had responsible parents who didn't have addictions or mental illness. 

Admittedly, the thought used to bother me a lot. I have accepted my fate though. I may be the old woman in the nursing home that nobody visits. It's the path I have chosen out of necessity. I will have face it eventually. 

"Lost but now I am found

I can see but once I was blind

I was so confused as a little child

Tried to take what I could get

Scared that I couldn't find

All the answers, honey."

- Lana Del Rey, Born to Die 

Living for today and enjoying the moment.

"Just walk on by, wait on the corner
I love you but we're strangers when we meet." - Charley Pride. 

I grew up with my grandmother playing Charley Pride records. When I was young she would put one on, grab my hands, say "dance with me weetzen" and whirl me around the room. In case you're wondering "weetzen" meant "sweet thing" but somehow in her country kind of slang way. Yeah...it doesn't make sense to me either, but it did to her. Needless to say, whenever I hear a Charlie Pride song I think of her. 

She loved to laugh and overall was loud, boistrous and just didn't care what people thought. She was an individual. Her sense of humor was a bit off the wall. We loved watching Married with Children and would laugh so hard at Al Bundy's misfortunes. We also watched shows like Amen (she adored Sherman Hemsley) and The Andy Griffith Show. When Andy Griffith passed I thought of my grandmother. She enjoyed life and she never met a stranger. She was a loyal friend to those she cared deeply for. My grandmother lived life with a smile, a laugh and enjoyed the little things. To her, life was an adventure. 

She passed away over 15 years ago. Over the years I keep finding her though. She's with me in every Charley Pride song...every show we watched together...I can still hear her laugh. 

Al-Anon: Support for friends and family of alcoholics

I wanted to bring awareness to the fact that there is a support group called Al-Anon. It is to provide guidance for friends and families of alcoholics. I'm sure many are aware of Alcoholics Anonymous for the alcoholic, but maybe not Al-Anon.

 

Created 16 years after Alcoholics Anonymous and co-founded by Lois W. (the wife of AA founder, Bill W.) and Anne B. The purpose of Al-Anon is to provide support for friends and family of alcoholics. Members are invited to share their stories of how they have been affected by someone else's drinking. Al-Anon is made up of spouses, parents, children, siblings, friends, employers and coworkers of alcoholics.

 

Find more information on Al-Anon here.

Random thoughts about my sobriety

I guess you could say that alcoholism feels like a close friend...it feels like home. My father, father's uncle, maternal grandfather, maternal grandmother and mother's uncles were alcoholics. Both sides of my family had their share of issues. It would make sense that I too would have my share of problems with it...genetic predisposition. Alcoholism was a familiar friend that was always hanging around me. My father's best friend owned the local bar and, at age 9, he would take me to the bar. I would sit at the bar drinking Cokes and watching him "pool shark" guys. He was an excellent pool player and it was a quick way to get money for alcohol. Then he would drive home drunk with me in the car. Life with my father was going from one wild house party to the next. Eventually, my father started letting me drink at age 13. This was because his drinking buddy had a 14 year old daughter and he allowed her to drink. His friends thought it was cute to have me light their cigarettes for them and I became hooked on those as well. I even ended up getting caught with a pack at school in 8th grade.
 

Without going into a long story let's just say that I fought it and overcame my demons. I remember how as selfish as it sounds, my friends did not want me to quit. Suddenly, the sober me felt like my friends and I didn't have much in common. It was a strange feeling and I didn't feel like myself... alcohol had been a part of my identity. It was my comfort and a friend I could count on when I felt pain. I ended up having to end friendships and learn to cope with my emotions rather than drink them away. One of the last conversations that validated I had to move on was when a friend asked "come on, you cant have just one?' "NO! Don't you understand?? I'm an alcoholic and I cant drink anymore!" I yelled.
 

How am I today? With years of sobriety under my belt, I finally have enough self control that I can be the sober person at the party. I can be the sober friend who is around others who are drinking. It's funny sometimes because people who know my story often feel awkward drinking around me. I tell them to relax because I am fine. Believe me if I wasn't, I would remove myself from the situation.



They want a girl they can lie to.

Funny thing...

When guys try to stretch the truth I question it. I tap into my extensive worldly knowledge that I have somehow acquired in my lifetime. 

They respond: "jeez there's no fooling you, you are too smart!!"

Then they do not want to date me because I am "too smart." They want a girl they can lie to. One who will believe the hype. 

I am too intelligent, too demanding, and too resourceful for anyone to be able to take charge of me entirely. No one knows me or loves me completely. I have only myself.

- Simone de Beauvoir

Relentless

Dyslexia: My father's story.

I wanted to write about challenges that we face in our daily lives. Some people face daily challenges in life that others can't see and don't know exist. For example let's talk about my father. See, he was dyslexic and, as a result, never learned how to read. 

My father grew up in a time where dyslexia was not well known. Often struggling in school he was made fun of and called stupid by his peers. The teachers said he was a slow learner. Eventually, the frustration and humiliation was too much for him. He ended up dropping out of school in the 8th grade. 

My father became an adult and eventually discovered that he wasn't a "slow learner." He was diagnosed with dyslexia. See, dyslexia does not mean low intelligence. Some of the most brilliant minds are believed to have had dyslexia such as Winston Churchill, Alexander Graham Bell, John Lennon, Thomas Edison and Albert Einstein. Although my father learned later in life that he was dyslexic, it was too late for him. He never learned how to read. Dyslexia is called a "unique and gifted mindset" in which the dyslexic learns different than others. 

My father lived around his dyslexia. Only close family knew his secret. I didn't even learn about it until around age 10. Even back then I couldn't fully comprehend the challenges he faced. My mother would read his bills to him. He would ask me for assistance as well. Over the years he would ask me how to spell words like "water." I remember as a child I would give him a birthday card. He would open it up and pretend to read it then smile and say "that's nice honey." After I learned this, I watched him repeat this routine with others who weren't aware that he couldn't read. I remember one time we were at a friend's house. Someone handed him a Christmas card. He proceeded to open the card and someone yelled "read it out loud!" I sprang up from the couch I was sitting on and said "I'll read it" and grabbed the card from him. I read it out loud for all of them to hear and they were none the wiser. 

My father's dyslexia actually gave him an uncanny ability to solve puzzles. It's proven that people who are dyslexic have this ability. Rubik's Cube was no match for my father. I remember how as a child I would get mad that he could solve puzzles so fast. I had received an electronic puzzle game for Christmas only to find out the next day that he had already beaten the game. Dyslexic people are known to be masters of their crafts. This too was true in that my father was known as an excellent mechanic. Definitely above average in his work. 

My father faced daily challenges. Have you ever thought about the pictures at fast food drive thrus? A picture of a hamburger and fries with a number at the top..."I'll have a number 1 please." That is a language that even people like my father could understand. He couldn't read, but could look at the pictures and communicate what he wanted. 

I had genetic testing done some time ago. I carry the genetic mutation for dyslexia. Dyslexia runs in families. In my case however, the gene did not "kick in" and I am not dyslexic, but have dyscalculia instead. 

When my father became terminally ill I went to see him. I overheard someone complaining about his cell phone and walked over to them. "I can't contact anyone! Your father doesn't put peoples names in his phone...only their numbers...he MEMORIZES the numbers." I laughed silently to myself at her frustration. "That's my father" I replied. 

Don't let life pass you by.

I've got a war in my mind.

People like myself with BPD to get overwhelmed and discouraged more easily than the average person. We are emotionally unstable and feel anger and sadness more intensly than most. You may feel anger in a situation and the borderline instead will feel rage. We are very "black and white" type of personalities. All or nothing and no middle ground, no grey area in between. As a person with BPD I face daily challenges that aren't obvious. As Lana Del Rey says in her song Ride "Been trying hard not to get into trouble, but I've got a war in my mind." My behavior may seem strange at times on what I call my "bad days." I find that feeling extremely stressed triggers me. Change triggers me as well. I become highly irritable and short tempered or maybe I will do what I call "hibernating" and become antisocial. It's a toss up. You never know what you're gonna get. It's that unpredictable, impulsiveness that makes it hard to try and understand the Borderline. 

Time will heal you.

Why would you stay in a situation where you are not happy? Why would you choose to exist rather than live?

Don't wake up one day and realize that you wasted years of your life. Don't stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about your well being. You deserve to be happy. Change is hard and it's scary...believe me I know. It's difficult to imagine life being alone again and doing things by yourself. There may be tears and you will feel overwhelmed at first. Once you rip the band aid off things will get better. Time will heal you and you will discover yourself again.  

Real love will lift you up and inspire you.

 

Trust the timing of your life

Life is about timing and timing is everything in love and loss.

Look beyond the obvious.

Try to understand that there is more to life than what is in plain sight. It's more than the day in day out monotonous tasks. You have to look beyond the obvious and who knows just what you might find. That's life. 

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

I put a lot of value in words. 

 

It's THAT time of year.

It's that time of the year...time for Hallmark Channel's sappy Christmas movies. They have titles like "The Nine Lives of Christmas" or "Matchmaker Santa." I have to admit that for as sappy as some of them are, I find comfort in watching them. Who doesn't like a good story with a happy ending that teaches us about kindness and love? 

Do not call me perfect...

The curse

How did you get that way? I don't know

"And I don't know how you get over, get over someone as dangerous, tainted and flawed as you..."

- Lana Del Rey

Loving the alcoholic

A person will come into your life, steal a piece of your heart and leave. It's those people that we can never seem to fully get over. Memories play like a movie on late nights as you lie awake in bed. You miss them so much that you live for those memories. It is a curse. There are the "what ifs" and you continuously question every angle. It's madness. You cannot stop it because in every quiet moment to yourself...you can't help thinking of what could have been. 

He was a good guy who never felt good enough. It was pointless to tell him any different. Hell bent on destroying anything good...one day he gave up and reached for a bottle. He purposely lied to push others away. Nothing would or could change his self destructive behavior.  It was beyond anything that one could comprehend. He took a few people down with him. All the begging, crying and getting angry could not change it. They asked themselves how could this happen? How did this happen? He couldn't love himself and certainly wasn't capable of loving anyone else. 

Let me tell you this my friends...it's like a loved one dieing. A death. The death of someone you knew, adored, cherished and loved. It's like having the wind knocked out of you...a sucker punch. A devastating hurt that cuts so deep that it NEVER goes away.

Such is the life of an alcoholic...

You try to sabotage what's good because you don't feel worthy of good. You have spent countless hours convincing yourself that you are worthless. When someone sees the good you are quick to deflect and focus on the negative and you go into sabotage mode. You have a lot of unresolved hurt stemming from an event or events in your life. When you feel this hurt you drink it away. Just as a cutter would cut their wrist to release the pain, you use alcohol.  You are unhappy with yourself and you use humor as a mask and to deflect from the real issues. You will avoid talking about your deep seeded issues because the unresolved hurt is too painful to acknowledge and bring to the surface. You get so overwhelmed that you can feel you can barely function and you're running on fumes. You live in a cycle of drinking, avoiding your feelings and negativity. Your pain is slowly destroying your life. 

"Alcoholism is a well documented pathological reaction to unresolved grief."

- DAVID COOK, Psychosocial Issues in the Treatment of Alcoholism 

One day you'll make peace with your demons...

I want...

 

The Wanderer

Why Waffle House was the best job I ever had.

I'm no stranger to the corporate world. I work in the high stress, deadline driven legal field. These corporate jobs have their fair share of the daily "office politics," backstabbing and office drama. Often times I find myself thinking about a job that I had many years ago. 

In high school I worked as a waitress at my local Waffle House in a small town in Alabama. I went through training on how to properly call orders the Waffle House way. "Texas Cheesesteak Double Plate!" I would call out as the grill cook marked the plate. Ring up the customers, clean the table, run the dishes through the dishwasher, greet the customers, set the tables, take the orders, call the orders, deliver the orders and in between perform side work. The whole system was a well oiled machine. 

The Waffle House patrons were a eclectic mix of regulars, truckers and others just passing through. Some came for coffee and to pass the time chatting with the staff. It was sort of a hub where people in the town would to meet up. A few of my regulars came up with nick names for me such as Tinkerbell which they eventually shorted to Tinker. "Heeeey Tinker!" I would hear as they filed in and sat down at the low bar to order their usual steak and eggs. 

Then there was third shift which was the all night shift. I worked third shift on Fridays and Saturdays. Although the all nighter was hard work, if you were fast, friendly and efficient you could make good tips. When the local bars closed Waffle House would fill up around 3:00 am wall to wall with drunk rowdy patrons. "Excuse me...can I get a sweet tea?" on of the guys asked. His friend leaned over "hey did you just call her sweetie?" and they roared with laughter. Then there was the infamous Try the Pie button the waitresses wore pinned to our uniforms. See, it was to promote our chocolate pie (which was very good by the way). I walked up to a booth and asked the group if I could start them off with something to drink. "I would like to try YOUR pie" a man who smelled heavily of alcohol exclaimed. I smiled at him and repeated the drink question. Patience is a virtue my friends and your patience will certainly be tested if you work as a waitress. Only the best waitresses handle those situations with grace and a smile. 

Working at Waffle House taught me a lot about hard work and life in general. I learned how to work fast under pressure, problem solve and how to provide great customer service. More importantly, I met many interesting people with stories to tell and advice to give to me. I will never forget the laughs and the stories we all shared. Over time the friendly faces I saw from day to day felt like family. My coworkers worked and got along with each other. It was truly a team atmosphere. My boss was a great guy and he was fair to us. Somehow it all worked. I truly enjoyed my time as a Waffle House waitress. I was lucky to have such a positive experience. Overall, working at Waffle House was the best, most fulfilling job I ever had. Good times. 

What is love?

“It takes courage to love, but pain through love is the purifying fire which those who love generously know. We all know people who are so much afraid of pain that they shut themselves up like clams in a shell and, giving out nothing, receive nothing and therefore shrink until life is a mere living death.” 

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Take control of your life and face your fears!

Are you letting fear control you, your emotions or even your life? I certainly have been guilty of it. Fear causes us to react in ways that are self harming to our quality of life. 

 

I have a friend who is so scared of letting someone love him that he will purposely at any cost use whatever words or actions necessary to keep love away. He has not learned to love without expectation. He has a fear of change and these fears simply cannot and will not lead to an overall happy life. He does not love himself so how can he possibly be capable of loving someone else? Like a broken record he plays the "I'm not good enough" record over and over in his mind. He has been living in a dark place for a long time and playing that record over and over...and believes it.  He has worked very hard to make himself believe he is not worthy of his own happiness. He has spent years building a wall...a fortress around him that prevents light and love from reaching him.  He has placed himself in a deep, dark pit and sits in solitude. At times he puts on a mask and ventures out only to save face so that he may keep up the façade that he is happy. They do not know the real him and he is ok with it. He gets up, goes to work and on weekends drinks himself into oblivion to numb any feelings he may have...whether they are good or bad.  See, on a Monday he is a self proclaimed "fall down drunk alcoholic" and by the weekend he is saying "it's not that bad." It is a sad, lonely existence indeed and he thinks he deserves it.

 

So many let fear stop them from achieving love, success and personal goals in their lives.  Face your fears head on because you are worth it. Do not spend your life trying to live up to others expectations of who they feel you should be. Stop playing the "I'm not good enough" record and get up, get out and find yourself. Carve your own path out and follow your instincts. Face those fears and maybe you will find that they are not so scary and intimidating after all. Learn to love the wonderful person that you are and let love into your heart. Take control of your life, stop making excuses and face your fears!  

 

   

Love, grace and gratitude

“Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, or worn. It is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace & gratitude.” - Denis Waitley

 

A beautiful life

You will see how truly beautiful this life is if you learn to love yourself. It can change in the way you see the world. It is a journey of self discovery. Believe in yourself and start that journey today.  

Living in the present

So many carry the burdens of the past with them. They cling into old memories and a turbulent past. Some live in fear of their uncertain future. What is most important is to live now in the present. 

Yes, the past happened. Yes, the future is uncertain. Accept and say to yourself that what matters is now. I know it is hard not to keep reliving what happened to you. Your feelings are validated, but to find peace you have to practice forgiveness. This does not mean that what happened to you was right, but by forgiving you can free yourself. It seems like we remember the bad times more often than the good times. Like a movie the negative thoughts play over and over in your mind, in your dreams and daydreams. You are putting out negative thinking and negative energy. You will get back what you are sending out into the Universe. Look around and you may see yourself in the negative people you are surrounding yourself with. They too are living in the past, the future, but not the present. Live for today.

Look what scares you in the face...

"Look what scares you in the face and try to understand it. Empathy, I have learned, is revolutionary." - Jane Fonda 

Lost souls trying to find their way

I want to ask that you stay humble. Be patient with those trying to find their way. Always leave a guiding light in your heart on for them. Anticipate that they will find their way home through the storm...eventually.  Remember that you too were once lost and struggling to keep your head above water in an seemingly endless sea.  Never give up on them.

- Peace for the Tortured Soul

Hitting rock bottom and climbing your way to the top

There you lay at the bottom of a deep, dark pit of despair.  You have never felt so down and so low.  This is it... you have hit "rock bottom." You know that this is IT. There comes a time when those who are struggling find themselves at what society calls rock bottom. Years of depression, struggles, traumatic events...they all have potential to drag you into that deep, dark pit. Then before you know it there you are at the lowest point in your life.

Now as bleak as this sounds some do not make it out.  You have two sides to the story.  Those who hit rock bottom sometimes choose an out.  That out is suicide.  Heartbreaking for those who lost their way. Then others who hit rock bottom choose life. What drives someone at the very edge to crawl their way out of a seemingly never ending pit? I can speak from personal experience and I will tell you what...the will to live. I can remember so clearly the feeling, that tiny voice inside me screaming. I did not know it at that time, but it was my soul crying out.

Why do some make it out and some not?  Perhaps there was a bigger plan for those dear souls. Can anyone really answer that question? All I can say is that I am here.  I AM ALIVE. When the chips were stacked against me I somehow made it. I have been to hell and back and from it learned empathy.

I feel that healing cannot start until you have hit that low. You have to live it and feel it and see it. You have to want to get out of that pit and never return to it again. Now the real work begins. Blood, sweat and tears. A journey into self discovery. Accept that you need guidance and seek out that guidance whether it be psychiatric help, group therapy, books, message boards, online communities or just telling a friend or family member how you feel. You may just happen to find yourself 14 years later writing a blog about your experiences of hitting rock bottom and finding your way to the top. 

Small victories and large defeats

I sit here
drunk now.
I am
a series of
small victories
and large defeats
and I am as
amazed
as any other
that
I have gotten
from there to
here
without committing murder
or being
murdered;
without
having ended up in the
madhouse.

as I drink alone
again tonight
my soul despite all the past
agony
thanks all the gods
who were not
there
for me
then.

-Charles Bukowski, The People Look Like Flowers at Last

You have to walk through the storm

Think about situations in your lifetime that have prepared you for who you are today. What has conditioned you for present day situations? Back then they may have had you asking "why?" or "why me?" You may have thought you were having bad luck and felt you were at a low point in your life, but somehow you made it through. Think about connecting the dots from the past. What people or situations were placed in your life path? How did those people and/or situations teach you lessons for future situations? 

 

You have to walk through the storm...

 

"Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn't something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn't get in, and walk through it, step by step. There's no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That's the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.

And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You'll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.

And once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm's all about."

 

Haruki Murakami - Kafka on the Shore

Exploding clam chowder

Exploding clam chowder in the microwave has lightened my mood. It was only on 70% power! Still laughing...

Awakening, signs and self discovery

I was raised with no religion.  Growing up I did not have a belief system and I was ok with that because it was all that I knew. 

 

Initially, when I had my awakening it started with a series of events that happened over two years time.  At first I disregarded, made excuses and ignored certain signs. As time passed and certain people were being placed in my path I started to question a lot of things. By the end of the year I realized what the purpose was of all those people that randomly came into my life with similar messages.  This was no coincidence. 

 

Often when one is awakened it starts like a door has been cracked open.  Soon the door opens more and more and then you have a snowball effect.  The more the door opens the more you start to notice signs that you wouldn't have noticed otherwise.  This is what I mean when I say "awakening." Soon you feel like you are living life and thinking on a whole other level.  I call it the next level. 

 

I felt robbed at first...robbed of being not being able to see the world in such a new and beautiful light all these years.  The various people who came into my life planted a seed.  It was up to me to feed and water that seed.  At first, I was not ready as so many are.  Sometimes it can take years to fully become aware and accept that you are having an awakening. 

 

Recently, I spoke with an old friend and he explained that he was in a dead end relationship, depressed, having problems with high blood pressure and going down a path which he felt was leading to alcoholism. A visit to the dentist office ended with the dentist saying that he must be under a great deal of stress because he was grinding his teeth in his sleep.  Apparently grinding to the point that he needed a lot of dental work because of it.  He is what I would call a "people pleaser." He is full of kindness, empathy, love and helping others.  Often in his past he has encountered blood sucking opportunists who used him. He admits that he is kind and generous to a fault. He has been dating and living with a women who stifled his creative and eccentric nature.  To the extent that if she felt he was rambling and talking to much she would tell him to stop talking. She had suggested that if he met someone and wanted to have relations on the side he could.  She had crashed and totaled her car some years ago and had been driving his car since the accident.  He had brought up to her over the years that she needed to look for a new car, but she continued to drive his car.

 

Many years ago I knew him as a creative, free thinking individual.  Now he is shell of who he once was.  He is currently working on his self worth and his own awakening.  He thought he was ready to move forward and change.  He even went so far as to end his dead end relationship and guess what...within a few weeks she went out and purchased a new car.  Initially, his ex asked to stay with him for a month to have time to find her own apartment.  He agreed.  Now, she is still living in his apartment and he is staying in the second bedroom.  This is an example of having an awakening, but not yet being ready to accept it and change.  If you cannot be the change you wish to see then how can change happen? 

 

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.”

   
― Paulo Coelho, The Devil and Miss Prym

Practicing kindness and paying it forward

A friend of mine has been going through the motions in his life. He admittedly has not been happy in a long time. He explained that he feels emotionless and almost robotic in nature. I proposed that he complete a "pay it forward" and focus on how he feels afterwards. I wanted him to be in the moment and present with his feelings. Initially, my suggestion was to "pay it forward" by paying for a strangers beverage and/or food who is behind you in a drive through line. If you are unfamiliar with what I am referring to please take a moment to read this article: http://m.wikihow.com/Pay-It-Forward

I followed-up and asked if he had completed the pay it forward. He hadn't. Then a few days later I received a text message from him: "Does letting people pull out in traffic count as a pay it forward?  I used to never do that but I let 2-3 people this week." 

I was thrilled that he took a step forward in his journey to find happiness again. It is not an easy task to pull yourself out of a self-loathing routine. Misery loves company and often one can feel hopeless and overwhelmed. Practicing kindness is rewarding. Being kind to others can create a ripple effect. Small steps can eventually lead you down the path of self discovery.  

Make your happiness a priority.

Learn to love yourself first and things will fall into place. The world may seem dull and grey, but once you make happiness a priority you will see that life is truly beautiful. Take time to start on your journey of self discovery. Focus on the present and letting go of the past. 

Surround yourself with positive people. Negative energy will attract negative thinking and only bring you down. Over the years I have had to make a decision to move on from a few friends. They were stuck in an endless cycle of drama and negative thinking. Quality or quantity...my circle of friends includes like minded thinkers who are focused on positive energy and their well being. 

Start your journey by reading spiritual healing books, visiting online forums, learning to meditate and considering a new level of thinking. You will start to see life from a different point of view. 

What is empathy?

What is empathy? Well, in my opinion it is a gift learned over time. Not everyone knows the feeling of having empathy for another. People who have suffered a great deal in their lives know all too well the feeling of hurt, loneliness and despair.  Out of that struggle you find yourself relating to others who have been to hell and back.  For me empathy is a blessing and a curse. It is the overwhelming emotion of sadness and compassion for people time and time again. There are times when i am learning about a person's experience in life and I am filled with emotion and the tears start to flow. The overwhelming feeling of that individuals pain and sadness consumes me and for a moment we share that energy...that moment. 

The ability to have the gift of empathy is quite possibly the only positive thing that came out of my traumatic childhood. 

The next time you see a homeless person begging for money I ask you to contemplate this: that maybe that person was not able to come out of the struggle and live a normal life. Try not to go to that dark place in your mind where you just see the homeless beggar as an alcoholic/drug addict who is doing nothing with their life. It is easy to judge when we do not know a person's personal struggle.