Random thoughts about my sobriety

I guess you could say that alcoholism feels like a close friend...it feels like home. My father, father's uncle, maternal grandfather, maternal grandmother and mother's uncles were alcoholics. Both sides of my family had their share of issues. It would make sense that I too would have my share of problems with it...genetic predisposition. Alcoholism was a familiar friend that was always hanging around me. My father's best friend owned the local bar and, at age 9, he would take me to the bar. I would sit at the bar drinking Cokes and watching him "pool shark" guys. He was an excellent pool player and it was a quick way to get money for alcohol. Then he would drive home drunk with me in the car. Life with my father was going from one wild house party to the next. Eventually, my father started letting me drink at age 13. This was because his drinking buddy had a 14 year old daughter and he allowed her to drink. His friends thought it was cute to have me light their cigarettes for them and I became hooked on those as well. I even ended up getting caught with a pack at school in 8th grade.
 

Without going into a long story let's just say that I fought it and overcame my demons. I remember how as selfish as it sounds, my friends did not want me to quit. Suddenly, the sober me felt like my friends and I didn't have much in common. It was a strange feeling and I didn't feel like myself... alcohol had been a part of my identity. It was my comfort and a friend I could count on when I felt pain. I ended up having to end friendships and learn to cope with my emotions rather than drink them away. One of the last conversations that validated I had to move on was when a friend asked "come on, you cant have just one?' "NO! Don't you understand?? I'm an alcoholic and I cant drink anymore!" I yelled.
 

How am I today? With years of sobriety under my belt, I finally have enough self control that I can be the sober person at the party. I can be the sober friend who is around others who are drinking. It's funny sometimes because people who know my story often feel awkward drinking around me. I tell them to relax because I am fine. Believe me if I wasn't, I would remove myself from the situation.



Take control of your life and face your fears!

Are you letting fear control you, your emotions or even your life? I certainly have been guilty of it. Fear causes us to react in ways that are self harming to our quality of life. 

 

I have a friend who is so scared of letting someone love him that he will purposely at any cost use whatever words or actions necessary to keep love away. He has not learned to love without expectation. He has a fear of change and these fears simply cannot and will not lead to an overall happy life. He does not love himself so how can he possibly be capable of loving someone else? Like a broken record he plays the "I'm not good enough" record over and over in his mind. He has been living in a dark place for a long time and playing that record over and over...and believes it.  He has worked very hard to make himself believe he is not worthy of his own happiness. He has spent years building a wall...a fortress around him that prevents light and love from reaching him.  He has placed himself in a deep, dark pit and sits in solitude. At times he puts on a mask and ventures out only to save face so that he may keep up the façade that he is happy. They do not know the real him and he is ok with it. He gets up, goes to work and on weekends drinks himself into oblivion to numb any feelings he may have...whether they are good or bad.  See, on a Monday he is a self proclaimed "fall down drunk alcoholic" and by the weekend he is saying "it's not that bad." It is a sad, lonely existence indeed and he thinks he deserves it.

 

So many let fear stop them from achieving love, success and personal goals in their lives.  Face your fears head on because you are worth it. Do not spend your life trying to live up to others expectations of who they feel you should be. Stop playing the "I'm not good enough" record and get up, get out and find yourself. Carve your own path out and follow your instincts. Face those fears and maybe you will find that they are not so scary and intimidating after all. Learn to love the wonderful person that you are and let love into your heart. Take control of your life, stop making excuses and face your fears!