Don't let life pass you by.

I've got a war in my mind.

People like myself with BPD to get overwhelmed and discouraged more easily than the average person. We are emotionally unstable and feel anger and sadness more intensly than most. You may feel anger in a situation and the borderline instead will feel rage. We are very "black and white" type of personalities. All or nothing and no middle ground, no grey area in between. As a person with BPD I face daily challenges that aren't obvious. As Lana Del Rey says in her song Ride "Been trying hard not to get into trouble, but I've got a war in my mind." My behavior may seem strange at times on what I call my "bad days." I find that feeling extremely stressed triggers me. Change triggers me as well. I become highly irritable and short tempered or maybe I will do what I call "hibernating" and become antisocial. It's a toss up. You never know what you're gonna get. It's that unpredictable, impulsiveness that makes it hard to try and understand the Borderline. 

Time will heal you.

Why would you stay in a situation where you are not happy? Why would you choose to exist rather than live?

Don't wake up one day and realize that you wasted years of your life. Don't stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about your well being. You deserve to be happy. Change is hard and it's scary...believe me I know. It's difficult to imagine life being alone again and doing things by yourself. There may be tears and you will feel overwhelmed at first. Once you rip the band aid off things will get better. Time will heal you and you will discover yourself again.  

Real love will lift you up and inspire you.

 

Trust the timing of your life

Life is about timing and timing is everything in love and loss.

Look beyond the obvious.

Try to understand that there is more to life than what is in plain sight. It's more than the day in day out monotonous tasks. You have to look beyond the obvious and who knows just what you might find. That's life. 

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

I put a lot of value in words. 

 

It's THAT time of year.

It's that time of the year...time for Hallmark Channel's sappy Christmas movies. They have titles like "The Nine Lives of Christmas" or "Matchmaker Santa." I have to admit that for as sappy as some of them are, I find comfort in watching them. Who doesn't like a good story with a happy ending that teaches us about kindness and love? 

Do not call me perfect...

The curse

How did you get that way? I don't know

"And I don't know how you get over, get over someone as dangerous, tainted and flawed as you..."

- Lana Del Rey

Loving the alcoholic

A person will come into your life, steal a piece of your heart and leave. It's those people that we can never seem to fully get over. Memories play like a movie on late nights as you lie awake in bed. You miss them so much that you live for those memories. It is a curse. There are the "what ifs" and you continuously question every angle. It's madness. You cannot stop it because in every quiet moment to yourself...you can't help thinking of what could have been. 

He was a good guy who never felt good enough. It was pointless to tell him any different. Hell bent on destroying anything good...one day he gave up and reached for a bottle. He purposely lied to push others away. Nothing would or could change his self destructive behavior.  It was beyond anything that one could comprehend. He took a few people down with him. All the begging, crying and getting angry could not change it. They asked themselves how could this happen? How did this happen? He couldn't love himself and certainly wasn't capable of loving anyone else. 

Let me tell you this my friends...it's like a loved one dieing. A death. The death of someone you knew, adored, cherished and loved. It's like having the wind knocked out of you...a sucker punch. A devastating hurt that cuts so deep that it NEVER goes away.

Such is the life of an alcoholic...

You try to sabotage what's good because you don't feel worthy of good. You have spent countless hours convincing yourself that you are worthless. When someone sees the good you are quick to deflect and focus on the negative and you go into sabotage mode. You have a lot of unresolved hurt stemming from an event or events in your life. When you feel this hurt you drink it away. Just as a cutter would cut their wrist to release the pain, you use alcohol.  You are unhappy with yourself and you use humor as a mask and to deflect from the real issues. You will avoid talking about your deep seeded issues because the unresolved hurt is too painful to acknowledge and bring to the surface. You get so overwhelmed that you can feel you can barely function and you're running on fumes. You live in a cycle of drinking, avoiding your feelings and negativity. Your pain is slowly destroying your life. 

"Alcoholism is a well documented pathological reaction to unresolved grief."

- DAVID COOK, Psychosocial Issues in the Treatment of Alcoholism